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Sunday, April 16, 2006

my Easter

So I spent the majority of my Easter with inner turmoil. Got back in town and got hit with a problem i hadn't had to seriously deal with in a long time. We did make it to church today. It was craziness. Complete craziness. We thought by getting there 10 minutes early we'd be safe. Uh... no. It thrilled my heart to see so many people there, but in some strange way it felt kind of empty. Afterwards we hung out with the family, my side. I offended my mom and I am praying through how to deal with it. So after the kids went to bed, I felt like ... was this just Easter? I mean .... if's one of the most significant days of my faith. I knew then, I needed to watch The Passion of the Christ.

Now I am sitting alone in the dark, listening to the music of the credits and i am, you know I am not even sure just how to describe what I am feeling. How do you bottle up the emotion from a film like that and put it into words? What do I really want to say? ... Jesus is truly God's son. His eyes pierced straight to the heart of you. His love is like those eyes. They see through all the phony crap we put on to make us look like good people. We are never good enough. Never! I spent years and years trying, never feeling like i was good enough. I never ever will be. Grace has been extended to me and to everyone. His blood stained hand is and will always reach out to me. God hates my sin. I was reminded of that with every slap of the whip and with every kick to his side. There is sin I am harboring in my heart. It is comfortable personally for me to keep it there. It separates me from my Creator. I want to be in His lap, not chatting with Him from across the room. To do that I have to get uncomfortable and ask for His forgiveness. I want to continue to remember those eyes, those tears, that brow, that road, that burden, that sacrifice he made for me. I want it to burn within me. I want it to drive me to my knees, praying for those who have yet to taste of this sweet consuming love. I want to be filled with His gracious spirit. I want Him to mold my will to His. I want to wake up tomorrow and be different.


Anonymous Amanda said...

Your heart sounds very heavy. I said a quick prayer for you this morning. You are on my heart.

12:31 PM

Blogger Hale-Yeah! said...

I too struggle with the commercialism that we use on Easter Sunday Church services. Why can't we just preach the Word and tell others about that awesome blood? It's almost like a kick in the teeth when the attendance triples on Christmas and Easter. I mean, I want those people to be there, but I don't want them to think just going to church twice a year makes you a Christian.

1:03 PM

Blogger Perri said...

I'm sorry your trip ended on such a sour note. I'm glad you were able to finally reflect on the true meaning of Easter.

1:03 AM

Blogger A said...

you have a book here. raw and honest. moving and meaningful. your family, God, and the ups and downs of taking on hte commitment to manage a home. a devoted husband who respects and edifies. these are all things that others don't see on a daily basis...and need to!

3:49 PM


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