the slide, my weekend and 9/11

First off I want to say I am an idiot.

Friday night I was at a kids birthday party which was held at one of those places that has all the big blow up jump and slides. The kids had a blast. It was time to leave and we were one of the last families left. Before I rounded up the kids, the thought came to me, "you should at least go down the slide one time". So up I go. As I get to the top I recall #2 jumping and landing half way down the slide and sliding the rest of the way down as if it was the biggest thrill ever in her short little life. So as I stand up at the top, I think of #2's stunt. Why can't I have as much fun. So I jump up as high as I can. I never hit the slide. I free fell to the landing area. Landed on my rear and all I felt was crunch. My neck and back were in immediate pain. What the heck was I thinking. It was pretty funny though. I just had to laugh, I couldn't let anyone know the amount of pain I was in. The birthday girl's dad came over and said, " I seriously thought you broke your neck" Well yeah, I think I came pretty close. Needless to say, the entire weekend I spent in pain. Finally today I have felt better. I still can't think of the incident without laughing to myself. What was I thinking?

Saturday was so incredibly awesome. We went to an adoption meeting and got to meet our social worker. He and his wife have a three year old Chinese daughter that they brought home when she was 2. As I saw her curled up in his arms playing shy, I had to turn my head. I felt the sudden urge to just break down and cry. I know this will be a long process, but I just can't wait to get our child.

Well, 5 years ago today, my name changed for Mama to Mommy. During the events of 9/11, as I stared at the TV and became and emotional wreck, #1 who was not yet 2, saw my distress and referred to me for the first time as mommy. I am not sure just why he chose to switch the name, but I remember it clearly. I was pregnant with #2 and I kept thinking what kind of world will she be born into. I know 9/11 had a huge impact on everyone. For me, 9/11 and the events that followed led me to ask God a LOT of questions. I remember watching a news special on Afghanistan refugee camps one night. Watching kids bathing in the same water they used to drink and cook with. People dying from illness, the living conditions were inhumane. There I sat on my nice soft couch, in my air conditioned home, with my full tummy and my soft carpet beneath my feet. Why. Why I am sitting here, and they are living in hell over there? God used all my questions to really begin to deepen my faith. It really began to hit home that I am not created to live the American Dream. To keep striving to get a bigger and better house, more clothes, more "friends", I am not living to just better my life. I am created with a purpose. A purpose that will impact eternity. I am not loved by God more than those small children starving in Africa or Arab women who live in bondage. I was placed where I am today to be used to spread God's love to all people. Since then I cannot live life the same.