I absolutely HATE it.

I hate pornography. Hate. I could type hate a million times and it would not be enough to emphasize just how much I hate it. Satan loves it. I don't go around labeling his name to things but I have to on this one. I am sick of marriages suffering from it. I am ill at how many women and men view it. It makes me want to vomit thinking of how easy it is to see and what will it be like ten years from now when #1 hits his teenage years. It makes me want to cry to know how many people excuse it as normal and ignore the dangers that follow. We are sexual beings. God created sex and Satan is having a hay day dirtying up this sacred passion and action. Satan is using his power to constantly tempt men and women through the internet, magazines, clothing styles, billboards, etc. He is also destroying women's self image. We can never be pretty enough, tone enough, SEXY enough to compare to the body images that are pasted everywhere. That makes us feel less attractive which in turns affects our sex life. We begin to withhold ourselves because we might be embarrassed to completely reveal our average bodies and give ourselves to our husbands. It is all based on lies. I am writing this because I am tired of getting spammed with prone sites. I am frustrated at the temptations me and my husband can face on a daily basis. And most of all, I am burdened at the fact that Satan has gotten a foothold in so many marriages I know and it all began to stem from this distortion of sex.

Our bodies were crafted for our mates pleasure. We are temples of God. We should take care of them. We should give ourselves to each other. In the Bible Paul said it loud and clear. Couples need to openly talk about temptations. We need to pray for protection and God's strength. Women need to realize just how sexual God created men and not with hold themselves from their husbands. We need to wake up and realize we are living in a battle. Satan is out to destroy marriages and this is his number one weapon of choice. Pray against it. Pray for protection in your own marriage. Pray with and for your friend's marriages as well. Talk about this with other married women. Encourage one another. Don't turn your head and pass pornography off as no big deal. It's a HUGE deal.

Okay I think I have said enough.

God, my heart hurts. I find myself getting discouraged by all the evil that seems to surround us. Show me your righteousness. Place within me your heart. I pray spouses will talk about this and clearly see it is not of you. Protect our marriage Lord, and protect those around us. Thank you God for my man. Thank you for the love we share. Shine your light on the darkness of the world. I pray Christians wake up and seek the truth. I love you, my creator. All I am and have belongs to you.

stuff everywhere & the love in my heart

Okay, so Christmas was almost a week ago and the house is still spiraling out of control.

I still have a smile on my face.

more random thoughts:

I am so crazy in love with my man. I mean gooey mushy love. I think I am more in love with him right now than I have ever been. No. It's not something different he has done. It is me. I think it is a combination of letting go of a lot of things. Relaxing, not controlling, accepting his endless love for me, staying focused on his heart not his actions, being more vulnerable but not using emotion to get things to go my way. I don't know. I am trying to explain just what I cannot. I just know that being with him, I am home.

Okay, I am off to iron some pants for him. Good night

wonderful christmas

Well it turned out to be probably one of my most favorite Christmas ever! I will post some pictures soon.

my nose holes

We really had a fun day. We spent most of the day with our best home school firends. At home I got some things accomplished. Not house keeping things, just Christmas projects. The house does look pretty trashed but I am okay with it, for right now. I am just cold to the bone. I think I will take a hot bath, get warmed up and then see if I am motivated to get more things done.

Right before bed time the kids were brushing their teeth. #2 had a complete melt down, like a two year old, about her tooth brush. It was completely ridiculous and she ended up getting a yucky consequence. Well as I was tucking her in, we snuggled a bit and talked about what had happened. I thought everything was okay. I even had her laughing. I moved on to #1's room. Gave him BIG hugs and LOTS of kisses. He looked up at me and said, "Mommy, your nose holes are about the same size as my imaginext people's feet." What do you say to that? Really. Okay, I just giggled, gave him another kiss and turned out the lights. In the hall way I was greeted by #2. She held her arms up. As I carried her back to bed she said, "I am sorry mommy". Praise the Lord. She was convicted! I didn't even have to ask or act like I needed her to apologize, she just did it. I leaned over her in the bed and squeezed tight. I am proud of her. ... Thanks God for working on her little heart. Thanks for my kids. Thanks for my husband. Thank you for Your love.

re-reading

I am sounding like I am living in the dumps and I am not thankful for the celebrations we have already experienced. Like family being together, snuggling with the kids by the tree, sharing the Christmas Story with the kids, me crying like a baby during my parent's church Living Christmas Tree, stuff like that. I really am thankful for it all. I just feel burdened this year, more than ever before. It makes me sad that so many will experience December 25th without giving one thought as to why it is a "Holiday". That millions around the world still have NO clue that a baby named Jesus was even born. Some people have heard but its not been communicated in way for them to understand God's love to their heart. I want to be someone who is communicating this life changing love. I want to be a voice, a heart, a smile, a touch, a look that helps direct people to the throne of Christ.

Alright alright alright. Enough. I hope my mind shuts up. Good night.

christmas shopping & whining

I promise I really started shopping early this year, unlike last year when I did it all in 14 days. Oh and people like my friend, the good the bad and the ugly, she does it all in one day. HOW? It really takes me a long time to find a gift. I am not the greatest gift giver but when I do give one, I want it to be REALLY special. Like the best gift ever within the price of like $15. Yes I am cheap. What if next year I just fill a bunch of envelopes with a ten and a five and then write a personal note to the receiver as to why I think they are unique and how much I love them. Then I would be nervous that people would really think I was cheap. But it would be fair. Maybe sometimes I only spend ten on someone, they'd get 15 whole dollars to do as they pleased. Of course the parents would get more. All the parents spoil us and I wish I could spend a $100 on each one.

So anyway, my ramblings continue. I really want Christmas to be special. Really REALLY special. I want to talk about Jesus. I want to sit in front of lighted Christmas trees, with strangers, friends and family, have Mannheim Steamroller music playing and converse about the miracle God performed over 2000 years ago. I want to make Baby Jesus relevant to our fast paced, self absorbed culture. I really want Santa just to be a fond memory of a man who shared love to others at Christmas time, not the glorified magical fat man who gives you the desires of your materialistic heart. I want to see people and give them a genuine hug wishing them a Merry Christmas and not expect a gift in return. I want the world to be still and adore the perfect child who came to give us life and rescue us from ourselves. ... Save me Jesus. I want to celebrate you.

losing it

I want to feel warmth. I want to feel love. I want to give love, have a heart of compassion and long for others to see Jesus in me. I feel like I lost that this past week. I get so caught up in the here and now that I quickly lose sight of the BIG picture. See, to me, all this stuff that I have to clean, organize, manage and take care of is oh what's the word, fleeting. True toys make my kids happy and I like my stuff, nothing wrong with that, sometimes I just feel it weighs me down from seeing things from an eternal perspective. I want to look at people and see through a lens of unconditional love. Just a few days ago I walked through a restaurant and as I was leaving, I realized, not once did I have one thought that people around me might need Christ. I have once again become consumed with myself. The result of my selfishness is apparent on my insides. The joy is not as bubbly, my mind is needing a speeding ticket, and my heart needs to be redeemed. And you know, what is so incredible is, all I have to do is stop, even just slow down, and take on step in the direction of my awaiting Savior. For he knows me oh so well. He is the source, the giver of the unconditional love I thirst for. He is my beautiful redeemer, the one I ache for. Only He is the provider of the joy that I can't get enough of. Sweet sweet Jesus. I am yours.

my man's family

We celebrated Christmas with my man's family both Saturday and today. Looks like Santa has already come and gone. Our living room looks like "Toyland". I was just as excited about all the kids presents as they were. Polly Pockets are the girls new craze. I like her. I think all her outfits and accessories are awesome. If I was a little girl, I would be all over it. We kicked back tonight after everyone left and watched Jim Carey in the Grinch. Feels like Christmas day. I wish the daddy didn't have to go to work tomorrow. I am off to bed. Tomorrow begins one of the last weeks in 2005. I am not one for resolutions but I am going to be reflecting and making plans to better our schooling, budget and house keeping. Wait are those resolutions? Anyway. Good night.

real quick

Today as I was drying #2's hair, she had her leg propped up on the sink. She was really eyeing every detail on her limb. Suddenly she exclaimed, "LOOK Mommy LOOK! See right here, I have hair on my legs. See I am growing up, just like a mommy!"

Don't throw up

I just got back from the mall and I need a minute to chill out. Me and my, as aussie teeny says.. kidlets went to do some more holiday shopping. I can handle #1 & 2. They get lost in Never Never Land but usually recognize my voice and come back to reality to follow me along the next aisle or store. #3 on the other hand is crazy wild. Very rarely will I allow her to get out of the buggy or stroller. She handles, picks up, tips over almost everything in her path. I have a one finger rule, the kids can touch anything but only with one finger, which she continually disobeys. So most of the time she spends confined and she spent her energy on finding a way to break free. I think I have used the phrase, "SIT on your BOTTOM" over a hundred times within the past 3 hours. My threats and stern looks don't mean a thing to this independent daring child. She is determined to have her will and not any one else's. Even if she does decide to obey, only after I have counted to 3, within 5 minutes she is at it again. Determination. I have to say she has got it.

The incident I will never fail to forget from this day is... Sears. Our mall really stinks. I mean we don't even have a GAP. It moved out of the mall 2 years ago. From some reason Sears has the best bathroom around. Granite counter tops and everything. I know, its not what you would expect. That is where we always go for potty breaks. We head into the bathroom, and the first thing the kids say is ... oooooh! It smells like poo-poo. I will admit it did not smell pleasant in there, but I quickly became aware of the fact I need to teach the kids a little discretion. I head to a fresh clean stall. #2 goes first. As I am waiting I notice splash marks along the sides of the walls of the stalls. I wonder. What happened? Then as I help #2 down, the automatic flusher goes off and toilet water spews up in the air. My face was the main target. Water droplets on my glasses, face and shirt. I think I am going to throw up. Seriously. We quickly get to the sink and I try my best to sanitize myself.

In the end, we did get accomplished what I needed to. Should we do school today. No I don't think so. I think I will go take a shower. I had to wear a cap today to hide my messy hair. Plus I think I will really feel better if I just get clean.

What a little booger she really is. We'd all be lost with out her.

how we spent our day

So here is what we did

The kids watched movies in their tents.


I cleaned like a mad woman.


Looks REAL good. I got a lot accomplished.


While #3 napped the other two painted. Thanks Kate for the idea. Oh, and #1's picture is a Christmas Tree. It's his own original design.


Tried to capture the 3 of them for a Christmas card. We'd be in trouble if it weren't for digital cameras. I have probably taken over a 100 trying to get that perfect one. Then we headed to CiCi's. Dad had to work late and we all needed to shop at bit.


That was it. I feel more on top of things now that the house is under control ... did I say control, hah!

Merry Christmas. -Me

warm fuzzies

This picture is so amazing to me. The light seems so powerful. Jesus says "I am the light of the world. Whoever follows me will never walk in darkness, but will have the light of life." John 8:12

Durham Township

a girl in spiderman underwear

Thank you God for laughter. #2 just came in my room. She had her p-jay shirt still on and then a pair of #1's tighty whitey spiderman underwear. She gave her reasons, #3 is asleep in her room so she didn't want to wake her. I did not buy it. The truth is she just wants to be as cool as he is. I was cracking up inside.

struggling

I am struggling today. I just used the monster mommy voice, didn't make me feel any better. I just want things calm. With 3 kids, that is unrealistic. Get it together. They really are not even being bad, it is mostly me, and a little bit of them. Maybe the reality is I feel I have SO much I need to accomplish. I just want to be able to get it done with out any interruptions and then I can have time to roll on the floor, build a lego secret lab, read books, etc. All the noise feels like it is walls closing in on me.

"Okay God, what do you want from me. I know what I want from you, to take this all away. Slap me around and wake me up to your Holy Spirit. For I know He is within me. Let my eyes gaze beyond the present moment and see things from an eternal perspective. You are so alive. For as I type these words, I completely feel Your joy and peace dwell within me. Praise your sweet name. You can have me. All of me. I want nothing less than to be completely yours. Thanks. Huge hugs and kisses. I love you" - Me.

I am blogging

Feeling a little snappy lately. I REALLY don't like it. I feel this lingering something that has got me kinda up tight. Tonight I was trying to fix dinner, #2 kept asking me questions, #1 was finishing his writing assignment (which I was trying to supervise) and #3 kept asking me to write her name on the magna doodle. Everybody and everything wanted me all at the same time. I know this is SO normal, but I get frustrated when everybody is talking over everybody. Especially when I am on the phone and they are talking to me like I am just standing there picking my nose or something. One child will ask me a question and then while I am answering, another will try to begin a new conversation with me. Okay so now I have complained. OH one more thing. My "Karen" cannot help me clean tomorrow. It's been over a month, I really need her. We have a party at our house this weekend. I have been doing pretty good at maintaining but the house needs some attention. I have to say I am pretty bummed about it. Let's see, what else can I vent about. Oh, got my hair cut today. I was feeling REALLY daring. I intended to chop it all off. I wanted a cute funky short do. When I got to the place, the lady said I shouldn't do it. So, I look basically the same, but several inches shorter. On a positive note, she thought my waves/curls are great and she was the nicest girl that has ever cut my hair, though I don't have a lot of stylist to judge since I only get it cut maybe twice a year. Anyway back to the positive point ... she really educated me on my curly locks. She only suggested one product to buy, which I did, and she was a joy to spend an hour of my day with.

Feeling less bitchy so I will say. I am blessed. I am so extremely blessed. And though I feel like I am hanging on the edge of falling in the dumps, Jesus is giving me the vision of resting in his hand. I am not perfect and he knows it. Can you believe it, he still loves me anyway? My kids are incredible, my husband is the bomb, my family is loving, and my friends are true treasures. Okay, I am going to veg out for a while, maybe read or something. Good night.

#1's first book

Okay, I have been a slacker with blogging. I have lots of little projects I am working on so it's been hard to find the time to journal.

Today the kids had some friends over to play. They all decided to draw. At first #1 was not interested in being creative at all, so I just dumped a bunch of crayons and paper on the table and each did as they pleased. Next thing I know #1 sits down and says, I am going to make a book so I can read it to my friends. This is what he came up with. ( I love it when they create and or imagine things with out any input or help from me.)
Basically every page looks the same, but I am still so proud.

my girls night out with #2

I just put the girls to bed. I walked around the house & took a gander at the mess. A little song popped in my head. It's to the tune of "Jimmy Cracked Corn" and it basically goes a little something like this ... The house is a wreck and I don't care. Nice attitude, huh? Works for me tonight. I will deal with it tomorrow. Right now I am too cold and I just want to curl up in a nice heated bed. I have 30 minutes while it gets warmed up so I thought I would write about my night.

#2 and I had a girls night out. It was awesome. She had been asking ... when can I spend some time just you and me, with out anyone else. So tonight was the night. We headed to the toy store and she picked out presents for #1 & 3. It took her a while to get off the fact we were not shopping for her, but she did not complain. Then I introduced her to my all time favorite little steak house. She ate two bites of salad, five BIG bites of chicken, french fries and 2 butter loaded rolls. That was a lot of food for her. Normally we have to beg her to eat. The conversation was light. The dinner was long. We snuggled close together and hugged a lot. She said I was her best friend. What an honor. Oh, there was another unforgettable remark she said. She asked ... Does Santa have a Po Po (that is what we call the male part) and what about God, does he have a Po Po, too? Oh how I love their little minds.


This is how she looked as we left the house. The glasses finally came off after we had been in the store for a while.

This is the steak house logo. Lots of memories.


They had these snowmen at the restaurant. She loved them.

feel like saying...

I just feel like saying .. blah blah blah. Can someone turn the volume down in my head? "The joy of the Lord is my STRENGTH!" I am claiming it.

I am sitting here typing and my hands feel like ice cubes. Have I mentioned I really don't like the winter. Seriously, I DON"T like it!

Ok, here is another random thought, but sums up what I am pondering. Two people make some really bad choices. Then one of them makes some more inappropriate choices. Then you have a small community, where one takes refuge, start gossiping. Next thing you know you have a church with its leaders showing their butt. Then you have a couple almost 2 hours away having a problem all spurred on my the choices those two original people made. I am not blaming them. I am just saying, Satan is loving it. I am praying for protection.

kid party

Yesterday we combined #1 & 2's birthday again and had a "friends party". Wow it was crazy. They had SO much fun. I really believe all the kids did. Through all the madness I just continued to smile. It brought me so much joy to see them all wrestling, chasing, dressing up, laughing. I loved it.

making it quick

Well, I am going to make this quick. (Watch out, I am sure there are going to be lots of typos) I am dying to read more of Blue Like Jazz. Yes it is amazing. Love it. Recommend it to any and everyone.

Let's see. #2 stirred up some trouble today. I am still having a hard time seeing any conviction in the child. But we made it through it, and I know it is all in the Lord's timing. I pray she will hear Him when He calls. Got water in my rubber gloves tonight as I was doing dishes. Yuck, I really hate that. The good thing is it rushes me to get the rest of the job done. I really can't stand the way it feels. I ate too much for dinner, to the point I feel gross ... but it will really motivate me to get out and exercise tomorrow.

Really good things that happened today. #1 is really reading. We have overcome my biggest fear in home schooling. Wow. He gets it and he is good at it. Tonight my man was in class, so I didn't want to eat one more daily meal around the table with out him, so we had a picnic at the TV and watched the Incredibles. I do so love that movie. It wasn't the "same without daddy" as the kids said. It was still a very snuggly evening. All of us piled on the couch together. We needed that. #2 has been so grumpy lately and almost hateful at times. She was very eager to pass out hugs and kisses to her siblings at bedtime. Maybe things are turning around in her little world.

Two of my favorite things about today ... I was able to have some incredible conversations with some of my best friends and being held in the arms of the man I love.

God you are just too good to me. I am eternally grateful. I look forward to spending my forever in your presence. Thanks.