see saw

Somedays I feel like I just suck at being a teacher, mom, wife, etc. Other days I think I could rank somewhere on the top ten of the best out there. I would really love to go an entire 2 weeks feeling even kill about my performance. You know .... just give me a week. I don't regret the decision of keeping at children at home. I am just a person who looks at the glass half full. I know I am not alone, sometimes that thought should comfort me, but it doesn't. I want to be the best. My weaknesses are so HUGE that I easily feel swallowed up by them. I keep thinking in a month, I'll feel okay about it all. It is a complete lie b/c I have been saying that for years.

The sun is hitting my desk. The house it quiet. I can feel God's presence. I am wonderfully made. The good, the okay, and even the yucky parts of me. I was fashioned to bring Him glory. I am only a vessel, which He is to fill. I am to be about His agenda, not my "justified" will of my own. I am drawn to Him in the stillness. He is my God.

waking up early

For a while now I have been getting up and walking with my dad. My parents live only 5 minutes away. I get up around 6:15 and leave the house at 6:25. Well #3 has started this habit of waking up around 6 am. She wants to get in the bed with us. I won't let her in b/c I know there is no chance either one of us will go back to sleep. This morning as I put her back in bed, she began to cry which of course woke up the other kids. Now everyone is awake and it is 6:10 AM!!!!!! I am not ready for everyone to start their day. I am not ready to be in mommy mode that early. It is a complete control issue. I cannot control when my kids wake up. #3 is too young to look at a clock and know to play until 7 am. It puts me in a sour mood right from the start. I guess it is selfish. My kids really are great. They entertain themselves so well in the morning. I am just a grump, real grump. Thank goodness I have that time in the morning to walk. It makes me feel refreshed and in a better mood once I return home. I think I might start getting up at 5:45 and leaving the house earlier to get my bible study done before the walk. Hopefully that will satisfy my me time and once I step foot in the door, I will be ready for the day.

ouch

Scrubbing my face, getting ready for the day, I get out the tweezers to pluck a few stray hairs around the eyebrows. My face desperately needs sun. I have that dead of winter paleness going on. Still self tanning but it is not as good as the real thing. Anyway.... I notice along with the lack of sun, a few dark hairs around my upper lip. Tweeze them as well... ouch, OUCH! Now I know God's wisdom is unmatched. I mean He is the "I am". I will never be able to fully figure Him out. Normally I am okay to trust in His infinite wisdom, but I would love to know what was he thinking when he allowed the first hair to grow on a woman's upper lip? Surely when he formed Eve in all her perfect beauty, she did not possess one unsightly hair. I mean the minute she ate the forbidden fruit did a mustache appear as a consequence and the bible just forgets to mention it?

I would love to know.

just ordinary

Can you believe it? I don't have anything to say. We had a great day. Friends over for lunch and then more friends for dinner. I didn't make it to the shower today. I am waiting for #3 to head off into dreamland and then I will head that way. I can hear her in there playing. She'll end up falling asleep on top of a couple of books, Barbies, and Pollies. She won't be still until she just passes out. What a little bundle of energy. Tonight while I was tucking her in bed, she began rubbing noses with me. I felt like I could just eat her up. Man, my kids can melt my heart. Sweet smooth faces, innocent little eyes, perfect soft lips, hugs that make you feel alive. I LOVE being a mom.

messy not magic

Every little thing she does is messy
Everything she do just makes me clean
Even though my life before was placid
Now I know my love for her washes on

This is just the mess on her face today, not to mention her hands, her arms, her bed (hidden in her pocket, she found and picked apart a Camellia tree flower bud into a million pieces before falling asleep during her nap) the floor, my bible (she found and put stickers in it) her clothes, each shirt she wears has a permanent souvenir from the day. She wears me out...I love her to pieces.

God please give me direction in training this independent, spunky, fun loving, energetic, strong willed child.



This is her little friend who came over to play. She is wearing #1's hat. She is pretending to be a kitty cat. The black marker is supposed to be a cat nose a whiskers. She drew them all by herself.


This is just her face after dinner. Her hands looked much worse. We had icecream sandwiches for dessert. Notice her hair always ends up in her face. I fix it several times a day, and within minutes it is a sloppy mess.


I know, gross hotdogs. But they are quick and cheap. Oh and she dips everything in ketchup, including her apples.




These next two just make me laugh.

ripped

OH my GOSH! I just sat down at the computer to veg out after a long day. I pull my knee up to my chest and my pants rip, not a small tare, but a HUGE RIP all the way around the upper thigh! I am pissed. I just got these jeans with Christmas money. And no, it is not b/c they are too tight. Seriously, it is not. Expensive good jeans. Bleep!

Alright. I have my p-jay pants on now. The gentle aroma of the fabric softener rising has got me calmer. I am having to refuse to look over at my mangled jeans lying beside me. ooooooooooooh! That really irks me.

okay, move beyond it, me.

Good news. Motivation found me today. Busy busy.

Now my mom is on the phone. I am tired. Good night.

missing

Can't seem to find my motivation. I must have misplaced it along with the cap to the gatorade jug. I swear I was making orange gatorade and the cap disappeared. Craziness. It must have decided to go hide away and hang out with my motivation. Can't find either any where. Just walking around the house aimlessly. I am in slow mo. Okay me. Get it together. Maybe if I put on support and some real clothes I will speed into action. Here I go.....

it's been a few days

Well, it has been a few days since I blogged. Let me see. What has been going on..... My man and I attended a wedding last night. A girl he works with. She looked stunning. We had a great time. Why did we have a great time? It is because my man works with some really great people. I finally met his boss' wife, love her. She was so fun and energetic. A big group of us sat in a private dining room and munched on fancy buffet food and shared a whole bunch of laughs. I always enjoy being with the people from his office. He's pretty lucky to have a working environment that is so... happy friendly, fun, etc.

At church today, I sold tickets for an event called Married Life. My smiling face, ha ha, convinced 8 couples to buy tickets. That is pretty good. I really enjoy standing in the lobby and people watching before and after church. I get some really needed fashion tips. Everyone seems to where pointy high heels with jeans. This has been a trend for a while, but I still can't bring myself to do it. I think I'd kinda feel "fancy" if I did. (yes, E I used that word) I'm a girl that is a bit more rugged. Fun sneakers and a cheesy retro T-shirt is my preference.

Tomorrow I plan to walk with my dad. We walked together twice last week. I am hoping I will get my b.o.b. up and hit it 4 times this week. That is my goal.

Okay, I need to plan, ugh, my day out for tomorrow. Can't live in the now all the time. I have to remind myself, planning is productive. Planning is smart. Planning can make you feel good.

she is in

#3 has now graduated into the official big kid club at our house. She still has her pesky moments, but most of the time she is now accepted as a playmate. She and her sister have become best friends over the past two weeks. They play Barbies, babies, Polly and all that other girly stuff. #1 is feeling a bit left out. See he and #2 have been inseparable for years now. She normally lets him control what they play. Now that #3 can clearly communicate and ask #2 to play girl stuff, she commits her time to baby sister instead of her big brother. She still adores him. She can't sit on the couch without being cuddle up next to him. Both of the girls just love him. #3 came to me whimpering this morning because #1 stopped snuggling with her. His new way to convince them to play is to suggest playing "Princess". The girls of course say yes. Then he acts out the role of a secret spy who either kills bad guys trying to hurt them, or sometimes he just ends up killing a princess instead. Boys will be boys.

grumpy old troll

"I'm the grumpy old troll, who lives under the bridge." This is a line sung from a character on Dora the Explorer. It is me this morning. The girls got up 3 times last night and I have been waking up with yucky headaches.

I was too out of it to say goodbye to my man as he left for work, so I called him once I was alive. As I was hanging up the phone, I just kept wanting to linger. Ever feel like you want to crawl through the phone to be with someone? It's like his voice kept me wanting more. I want to be in his arms.

So I am making the choice to change my mood. I am looking forward to two sets of friends coming over to play. I hear two good little girls playing in their room, that always makes me smile. See, feeling better already. I love my little family. I love my creative bald blued eyed husband. I love our home. I love the Lord. I am off to have a good day.

trash

In the trash they go, right next the scrap pieces of nasty raw chicken. Left over donuts, you can tempt me no more.

the day after

So I am sitting here drying my hair. It is cloudy today, but the temp is rather pleasant. I am typing with one hand. It's amusing. I loved my birthday yesterday. So many people sent birthday messages. Makes me feel so loved. My hot date was relaxing. My man makes me feel so beautiful, special, and loved. We when spend time alone together, I start thinking about how awesome it is going to be when he retires. I know it is a long way off. I just love the thought of him not having a job to report too daily and us having the time to spend together how we want.

I saw Pates yesterday. It does me a WHOLE lot of good to visit with him about twice a year. I left knowing I am handmade by the Creator who designed me with a purpose. He fashioned me with strengths and weakness. I am thankful for his work. I am rejoice in knowing that the areas I am prone to fail in, he knows. He knew of them before I was ever conceived. He placed those within me to draw me closer to Him. My own way is a path of disobedience and destruction. The pleasure of my own sin is fleeting and the joy I gain from it dries up empty. My life handed over to God, is satisfying. He calls me, rescues me, sustains me and loves me with a love that will never fail. I can't resist Him. He is just too good.

31

It's the day. I am officially in my 30's. Almost exactly one hour ago, I turned 31. Don't feel any different. When I was little, I honestly thought that magically you felt different once another year of your life officially began. The kids and I went to get doughnuts this morning. Next we went to get emissions done on my car. The mechanic was really nice and we all got to stay in the car during the test. We offered him a left over doughnut. Then we cruised through Walmart. They now have buggies that have like a park bench attached to the front. The kids had to have it. All three of them were able to fit somewhere on it, so I got a little extra workout this morning pushing them around. I knocked over a few things with it, but I was a nice friendly shopper and put everything back in its place.

Tonight I have a really hot date.

I don't think we'll get school done today.
1. I don't feel like it
2. all other normal school kids are out for MLK
3. it is MY birthday.

He is real

Got up at 6:15 am. I went over to my parents and my dad and I went walking. It was really nice. The weather was perfect. It was refreshing and I enjoyed being with my dad. My mind still feels a bit "fuzzy" today. Sadness is looming over me and I don't want it. It has kinds hit me blindsided.

Sweet Jesus. Sweep me away. Show me sin that is keeping me from you. Capture my heart and mind. I don't want to be held captive by my selfish thoughts. I want to be free in you. God your joy is indescribable. Your glory is consuming. My heart is screaming out praise to you. Thank you Father for your love. Thank you for the gift of salvation. Thank you for pursuing me. Thank you for forgiving me. You are so real.

do not give in

I am sitting here fighting back tears. This day is trying to turn out bad but I am so determined to not let it, but I am almost ready to give in.

God, give me strength. Let me see beyond these present hours. Give me peace. Let my children's laughter fill me with joy. May my husband's strength and excitement for life be contagious to me. Hold me in Your arms. I need you. I love you...

a plan?

okay, what is it going to take to make me really plan out my days. I love waking up and feeling freedom, evaluate what needs to be accomplished and then do it, but on the other hand, sometimes I panic b/c I have no specific plan. Plan it out the night before. Will I ever be that disciplined on a daily basis? Probably not. Just one of those things I love and hate about myself. Oh well, let's go eat breakfast and wash some clothes.

colorful fun

After we played outside the girls painted. #1 decided to get in the picture and #3 started freaking out thinking he was going to eat her poptart. After he convinced her he didn't want it, she calmed down and smiled for the picture.

warm weather?

This was written on Tuesday Jan. 10

I am not really motivated to get a lot accomplished today. I feel easy going and relaxed. I did clean my oven today. First time I used the self clean button. Wasn't much labor in pushing a single button. It took over 3 hours and the heat was outrageous. Stunk up the house too. Then I made nachos for lunch, I think I am losing site of our contest already, anyway, I forgot and left the oven on broil for almost 2 hours. Nice.

I am not complaining, but what is up with the weather. It is almost 70 degrees outside. We're loving it. #1 said.... Winter must have gotten tried and needed to take a break. I am not sure what the deal is but looks like no snow for us for sure if we keep having warm days like this. I was able to take some photos outside of the kids today. They are trying to chop up a fallen branch.

community

FINALLY. After 5 years of waiting and praying, tonight I attended a women's Bible study. Since our church is about 40 minutes away, its hard to be involved in a community group. God has gathered 8 women from all walks of life and divinely put us together in a group. Get this me and the facilitator are non denomination, 1 Catholic, 1 Church of Christ, 1 Liberal Presbyterian, 1 Assembly of God, 1 Southern Baptist, 1 Apostolic. Just typing about it, I have this HUGE grin across my face. It was so..... how do I put it in words..... amazing, refreshing, passionate, it was awesome. I love the variety of people. I can't wait to see how God changes me through this. I love knowing the needs of other women and I am excited about praying for them. I love openly discussing tough issues and hearing women be real with one another. It really could not have gone better. I am SO super PUMPED.

School was very enjoyable today. The kids and I made a family timeline complete with pictures and everything. They added their personal decorative flare to it as well. #1's reading is improving, his handwriting seems to be slipping, but overall, he's doing great. I know homeschooling is not the right decision for everyone but on days like today, I know it is 100% right for us.

girl time

Real quick. I am ready to hit the sack. I was a slacker and did not go to church. The alarm went off at six but I dreaded getting the kids ready alone. So I stayed in. The girls got in bed with me and we snuggled for an hour. Loved it! I finished the house today. I ended up being REALLY lazy yesterday so I had to make it up today. Never got to borrow the Kirby either. I cleaned out my bagless canister on my piece of doo doo Hoover and put it to work. I hate that vacuum. I didn't finish the spare bedroom or #1's room, but I am okay with it. I met a friend for dinner. She's been my friend since Kindergarten. She dug up some old photos of us from the 80's. I was looking really RUFF with my tight fro and obnoxious (spelled that word right the first time!) fire cracker bangs. We had some good laughs. I love knowing how long we've been friends and now seeing our children be friends. It's awesome. Then I got some more girl time. I talked to one of my college roommates for 2 hours. We got caught up and had some laughs as well. I feel nice and full.

Ok, I am off to snuggle with my man.

Oh. He and I both gained exactly 1.6 pounds. He would have gained more if he'd only eaten the donut I bought him on the way home tonight. Hee Hee

getting fit and clean

I was actually able to walk this morning. It was freezing butt cold, but it still felt GREAT. I am pretty sure at this point my man is winning out little contest. He has a road bike. He bought a trainer to ride it in the house. I bought two exercise videos this week. My Man rode his bike 3 times and I only worked out once. So I am sure he is ahead. Back to the exercise videos. I look like the biggest uncoordinated dork doing those things. We have sliding glass doors in our den and the whole time I am punching, running, sliding, and all that jazz I can see my reflection in those doors. I began to have flash backs to college when I took Jazzercise and was always hanging out on the last row. Sometimes even making a back row of my own just so I would not be such a distraction missing all the steps and fumbling around the place. My roommate, CoCo and I bought this workout video that taught a dance routine. She doesn't look it, but I think she is half Canadian. She picked up the routine the first time. After 20 attempted trys, I still sucked. I can throw down some free style dance, but coordinated structured moves, my body wigs out. CoCo is the best dancer I know. She once entered a dance contest with a stranger, 70 year old man in fact, on a whim and they won the whole thing. Honestly I used to have this secret dream/fantasy that I could be a singer and a dancer. I never wanted to be famous I just wish I could be really really good at both.

OKay, off that tangent. My man is out of town for the day and my house is nasty. My "Karen" was a no show this week. Boo-Hoo. So that means look out, I am doing an overhaul today. I think I will borrow my Grandma's vacuum. It's a Kirby. The motor of that thing could be compared to a semi. I have to be careful, legos and pollys don't have a chance of escaping once it is on the ground.

Time to get my lazy b.o.b. up and get moving.

love love love

I have been reading.. Blue Like Jazz. I am a S..l...o...w reader. I like to read a chapter and ponder it awhile. Anyway, I am on the last two chapters, and I have to say... I LOVE it. It is so so so real. This morning I was reflecting on some converstations I have recently had with some friends. I have realized my joy has been robbed lately b/c I am not all about focusing on God's glory. I am looking inward trying to fine tune some things which inturns means I am trying to control things. Honestly I can say this works for me ... looking upward. Releasing everything and being all about living for my creator. When I am focused on praising God and reaching others for Christ, He takes care of all the details and I am left feeling FREE! I know this isn't realistic to live this way 24/7. I am just saying when I begin to feel myself consumed with all the stuff, problems, and junk in and around me. He wants it. I cannot make myself obey God, I miserably tried for years. It's his love is why I obey. Pastor Scotty Smith in Nashville was used years ago to reveal this to me. In the book, Blue Like Jazz, toward the middle, I was reminded of this quote this morning.

"I will love God b/c he first loved me. I will obey God b/c I love God. But if I cannot accept God's love, I cannot love Him in return, and I cannot obey Him. Self-discipline will never make us feel righteous or clean: accepting God's love will. The abillity to accept God's unconditional grace and ferocious love is all the fuel we need to obey Him in return. Accepting God's kindness and free love is something the devil does not want us to do. If we hear, in our inner ear, a voice saying we are failures, we are losers, we will never amount to anything, this is the voice of Satan trying to convince the bride that the groom does not love her. This is not the voice of God. God woos us with kindness, He changes our chrarcter with the passion of His love."

I love the way this is stated.

God, I am all about you. Take all of me. Use me how you want. Nothing gives me greater joy than to love you.

got this thought...

I have been pondering a thought for the past few days. Maybe once I tell it I can put it to rest.

I have been thinking about how self image can alter one's view of another person. Like, if you struggle to constantly focus on your own weaknesses and failures, you are probably more apt to always find fault in other people. And for married couples the first one you criticize is your spouse. I did this for the first couple of years of our marriage. I instantly wanted to be a super Christian with every ounce of me perfected. So I mulled over my shortcomings constantly. What it did is it spurred me to critique my man, just as I was myself. He felt the pressure and at the time I did not understand it. I guess I am just realizing more of it now, several years later. I am happy to say God has shown me how to love myself. To find a balance between, I am a terrible sinner and I am a beloved child of God. Can't swing too far one way or pride will blind you to your need for Christ, swing too far the other way and you live by "rules" and have a hard time accepting grace.

I have to remember Satan is all about trying to mess us up. If he is not tricking us to believe we are beyond God's grip of grace, he's telling us we're smart enough, good enough, we don't need Christ, the bible, or to heed the Holy Spirit's voice. He'll tempt, divide, spoil about anything to keep us from Jesus. Thankfully Christ is stronger and he does equip us to resist the danger. It's just our choice.

"So, if you think you are standing firm, be careful that you don't fall! No temptation has seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it." 1 Corinthians 10:12-13

Alright, I think I might be coming across as preaching. Really I am to myself. It's good for me to be reminded just how blessed I am to know Jesus. How critical it is that the gospel be taken to the ends of the earth and how I long for the day when I can eternally fully experience God's glory.

I am excited about school today. I am really enjoying it. Part of our family may be losing some weight today. #3 has a tummy bug, I hope nobody else catches it.

I am off to face the world.

finally got my goals met

A little late. But I met my personal goals that I have had for the past few weeks. Feels good. My "Karen" is suppose to come and help me clean tomorrow. We will see if she shows. She is from Honduras and speaks VERY little English. I have to communicate with her through her sister on the phone. If I need to give her a lot of instructions, she picks up the phone and calls her sister. I tell her, the sister tells Karen, and you get the picture. She is awesome. It is also nice to know she is not in the house hanging on every word you say. Analyzing what I am saying to the kids, who I am talking to on the phone, etc. I like it. She works real hard and she is always smiling.

Back in school today. We all really enjoyed it. I order Bob Jones math for #1 last night. I kept dragging my feet because I thought I could handle teaching it with out all the "professional help". I surrender. I need more structure. Hopefully the math stuff will come soon.

Ok, enough blabbing. I am off to bed.

it's a new year

Tonight my man and I officially began the Biggest Loser contest. We thought it would be fun to compete over the next four months. We are going to see who can lose the most weight and see who is in better shape than when we started. I am excited. I know, men lose weight faster than women, but I have a secret weapon. Well it is not really even a secret. He loves his Ice cream. He pulls a head one week, I guarantee there will be some heavy temptation left in the freezer for several days.

Two more things I want to accomplish before Tuesday. Finish revamping our Homeschool routine and curriculum and our budget. All the Christmas is down. The house looks so bare, but I feel a HUGE weight has been lifted.

I can't believe my man is off one more day. I love it. Snuggling on the couch with the kids, watching movies and snuggling with just each other. Waking up late, snuggling in bed. Having the kids all pile in the bed with us and snuggling. Snuggle snuggle snuggle. I love it. It's like a relaxing vacation at home.

We watched Hitch last night. It was not as funny as I expected. Still, it was cute. Tonight we watched Hostage. I give it an A+. Despite the f bomb being dropped every five minutes, it was good. It was intense. I am sure if I was faced in the same situation as all the characters in the movie, I'd be dropping the f bomb a few times myself.

Off to bed. Snuggle snuggle.